Teaching Teens Safe Driving Habits

Useful strategies for instilling safe driving habits in teens:

(1) The best way to teach teens how to drive is to show them how to really SEE the road. Driving is a visual skill. Since we drive every day, we aren't aware of our own visual skills and discipline. For example, as I drive down the familiar residential street where we live, I constantly look ahead to check traffic, take note of any cars pulling away from their side parking spots, watch for any pedestrians who might cut across my path from both sidewalks, and then check for pedestrians who could be on the crosswalk at the approaching stop sign. I frequently check my rear view mirror for activity behind me. And I always look for fast-moving rollerbladers, bicyclists, and pets that might suddenly cross my path. In sharp contrast, a teenager drives down a street, focused on holding the steering wheel straight, accelerating and braking smoothly, and appearing cool! Compared to an experienced driver, their visual discipline and skill are extremely underdeveloped.

(2) The task at hand then is to focus on the eyes in teaching your teen to drive. Say right out loud what you see as you drive and what you do to drive safely. At first, this narrative may feel strange, because you are talking about what you do automatically every time you sit behind the wheel. You may be surprised at how much seeing and doing actually occurs when you drive. For example, to turn left at a stop sign, say aloud: "Signal a left turn about one hundred feet before the intersection; start slowing down; stop completely in back of the limit line; look both directions for traffic; check for pedestrians who have the right of way; look ahead at the vehicle travel path; and, before entering the intersection, look again in both directions for moving vehicles; now slowly enter and turn onto the street."

(3) As you take time to describe each visual check, ask your teen to note the important role this plays in safe driving. The driver's eyes are active. This is a valuable lesson. Active eyes, coupled with lots of documenting and describing the driver's movements, lead to good teaching and good driving!

(4) Next, ask your teen to talk out loud as you drive, narrating what a good driver should be seeing and doing to drive safely. Listen as your teen describes your driving. Check for any omitted steps. Give feedback—especially positive, encouraging comments. When a teen can describe your good driving habits as you drive, you'll know that he is ready to get behind the wheel.

(5) Now have him narrate as he drives. Again, listen and check to see if he has missed anything. Give feedback on both seeing and driving. If you approach it this way, he's going to know how to drive, all the way through his body. (Personal note: I mentioned this to my fifteen-year-old son James: "Driving has to be in your body." He looked at me with puzzlement and said, "I don't get it. What do you mean?" I replied, "It's sort of like your Swing dancing. You have to know the steps so well that when you hear the music, the steps are second nature, and you don't even have to think about them.") Driving is the same way. The steps should become second nature so that you don't even have to think about them anymore.

End Result: As parents, our goal is to help young drivers achieve this body "knowingness" when it comes to driving—-to help counterbalance the wild, impulsive style typical of most teens. When the body knows deeply how to drive, a teen can drive safely—-and it can save lives.

So here's the key: Prepare your teen to drive so his "knowing" behind the wheel is deep in his body. The roads will be a lot safer, and you will rest with greater ease as well.

What Parents Need to Know About Teens Making Friends in New Situations

First, let's set things straight: Teens value friends before anything else, including parents! Peer relationships are everything. Friends are all-important. They replace the family, in some ways, as the place where daily relationships are played out, where meaningful interactions occur--the back-and-forth working through of ideas and events.

Second, parents need to have greater sensitivity to how much work it is for teens to join groups. Let's take a close-up look. As a newcomer, a teen must establish his or herself to get accepted. This is not easy. Entrance can be negotiated through friends, relatives (e.g., brothers, sisters, and even cousins), and someone you are dating, if they are accepted. After the dating period is over, however, the teen has to maintain the membership independently.

Third, if teens don't know someone in the group, they can gain acceptance by hanging around for a period of time, getting to know some of the members, and becoming involved with, and accepted by, the other teens. Although accepted, this does not mean the other teens will quickly include them in what is happening socially at all times. Most likely, the doors will remain closed for a while, and they will have to find out about social events on their own. Regular members, however, are naturally "in on," or told about, parties or social gatherings.

Fourth, I know of one group where the process of acceptance into the group involved some intricate bartering. To be accepted, there had to be a sense of give and take—the new person had to first do something for the regulars; then they would do something for him. At first, it was more important to be someone they could hit up for money, cigarettes, pop, or a favor. It was also important to be cooperative and get along and not judge the group. The new person had to accept the group before its members accepted him into it.

Fifth, when a new teen comes into a teen group, there are certain things that other teens will communicate to him about the group. Older members or leaders will make very clear to the newcomer just what is and is not appropriate behavior. These peer leaders will even reprimand other teens when they do something unacceptable. These leaders help maintain the group in this way.

Bottom line: Know that becoming a member of a teen group is very difficult and time consuming, and offer loving help and encouragement at every turn. And by the way, never try to join your teen's group yourself!

Talking to Teens About Sex

1. The topic of sex is very much on the mind of most teens. Don't think they aren't interested in talking about it. The most important thing you can do is talk. Start early. Get information in early. When they are eleven or twelve, begin talking. It's more important that you talk than what you talk about at this age, although topics should be simple and age appropriate.

2. This establishes openness between you and your teen on sex-related issues. You want your teen to feel comfortable coming to you to talk later, and the best way to ensure this future dialogue is to initiate it early yourself. Let them know you welcome, are comfortable with, and like to talk about sex-related topics. Try to be nonjudgmental and open to their viewpoints, especially if they are trying out some new ideas or feelings on you. Honor their emotions and be willing to work through differences.

3. If you're not comfortable talking about sex—fake it. Comfort will grow with frequency. Ideally, if you started talking when they were younger, you'll be more comfortable talking as your child enters the teen years. If you didn't, there is no time like right now. So just start. Then, visit and revisit topics frequently.

4. Your goal is to establish open dialogue on the subject along with regular check-ins: "What are you thinking these days about sex before marriage, birth control, and AIDS prevention?" These are appropriate questions to ask your fifteen-year-old, if you've had conversations in the past.

5. As a general rule: keep topics surfacing—frequently, lightly, and with openness. You'll find that your teen needs these conversations. They're on his or her mind now, and it's likely that not too many adults initiate discussion. Be sure to share your ideas and views on love, relationships, marriage—and even passion—with your teen.

Bottom line: Create an open dialogue between you and your teen to talk about love, passion, sex, and relationships.

Teenagers and Sleep

Parent Question: What are the sleep needs of high school age teens? How much is enough?

Teens need from 8 1/2 and 9 1/4 hours of sleep each night. Most adolescents DO NOT get enough sleep – one report found that only 15% reported sleeping 8 1/2 hours on school nights.

What are the side effects of lack of sleep?

Teens tend to have irregular sleep patterns across the week – they typically stay up late and sleep in late on weekends. This irregularity affects their biological clocks and hurts the quality of their sleep. Some side effects include: Limits ability to learn, listen, concentrate and solve problems; Contributes to acne and other skin problems; Leads to inappropriate or aggressive behavior (e.g. yelling, impatience with family members and teachers); Eat unhealthy foods (e.g. sweets, fried foods) that lead to weight gain; Performs poorly in sports (e.g. reduced endurance and cardiovascular performance, delayed visual and auditory reaction time).

How do school schedules conspire against them getting enough sleep?

Schools ask teens to sleep at the wrong times. A teen’s biological clock is in conflict with the school bell. Too many teens come to high school too sleepy to learn. A few schools have become “sleep-smart” by setting later bell times. They’ve found that students do not go to bed later, but get one hour more of sleep per school night, which means five hours more per week. Parents and teachers contend that starting school later improves student morale and attitudes. Students report that they feel ready to learn when they get to school in the morning.

What are some pointers for parents?

1. Be a good role model. Practice good sleep hygiene yourself.
2. Enforce regular sleep schedules for all children and teens. Establish a quiet relaxing time in the evening before bedtime when music and television are not permitted.
3. Talk with your kids about their sleep/wake schedules. Assess time in extracurricular activities and outsides jobs, and make adjustments, if appropriate.
4. Consider having each teen keep a sleep diary for 1 or 2 weeks. Review it for poor sleep hygiene, and make an effort to change patterns, if necessary.
5. During vacations, help your teen adjust for a smooth transition to the upcoming school schedule. Go to sleep and awaken 15 minutes earlier each day until teen reaches desired sleep and wake times.
6. Always be on the look out for signs of sleep deprivation—difficulty waking in the morning, falling asleep during quiet times in the day, irritability in late day, and sleeping super-long on weekends.
7. Avoid use of caffeine and other substances that can affect sleep.

The Argumentative Teen

Parent Question: Why are teens so argumentative?

(1) They are busy practicing a new way of
thinking. (Jean Piaget called it "formal operational thought.") Between 11
and 16 years of age, teens develop the ability to solve problems WITHOUT the
concrete, action-oriented experiences of a child. Teens are forming theories
about everything—and testing them out. They make assumptions, consider
hypotheses, and work out the inferences that follow. This abstract thinking
is actually very difficult to master. So, teens argue constantly to practice
their abstract thought processes.

(2) Most parents are threatened by their arguing teen. I know of one dad
who threatened to put his "rude and argumentative" daughter into juvenile
hall because of it! She was a totally good kid with straight A's, piano
recitals, drama club—the whole bit. If he'd understood that she was
struggling to learn abstract thought and logic, perhaps lively debates would
have taken the place of rejection and heartbreak on their home front.

(3) What can parents do to actively support their teen's abstract thinking?
Why not go with the flow and nurture this new development? Encourage your
teen's efforts to define his or her world view through abstraction and
reflection, questions, and experimentation. Don't rush in with answers.
And don't automatically go on the war path when a teenager questions your
most deeply held values or assumptions about life. Let teens have the
opportunity to make intellectual choices for themselves. Organize your home
environment to allow for formal abstract thinking.

How can parents cope?
1. Why not create a think tank that is rich, both socially and
intellectually! Let your teen interact with and bring in other people’s viewpoints.
Exposure to different types of people and thought can be very
positive now. Different role models should be made available too.

2. Dig out some of your old college books on logic. Reread Aristotle and
Socrates. Introduce them to your teen. (Wow! They'll think you're "far
out.")

3. You might even set up and engage in formal debates. (This would have the
added benefit of teaching all of you the rules for "fighting fair" when you
disagree.) Remember: the goal is to increase the capacity to think—for
teens and parents alike. So, use this time to reexamine some of your own
ideas and clean up any of your own thought processes that may have grown
stuck, rusty, or sloppy over time. The timing is perfect to support your
teen's cognitive growth—and your own.

Remember: This argumentative phase is related to your teen's
struggle to learn abstract thought and logic. Try to nurture, support, and
even enjoy this development, rather than feel annoyed or threatened by it.

Teens and Making Mistakes

Parent Question: My teen says he doesn't need my help with school stuff or day-to-day decisions, but I see him making mistakes. How can I stay involved without being too intrusive?

Winston Churchill once said, "I've eaten many of my words, and I've found them nourishing." Do you support your teen's effort to find out who she is, try things on her own, and make her own "nourishing" mistakes? Often, a parent's role is to simply watch the development. Freedom is the starting point. If a parent gives a teen the freedom to make decisions and experience her stumbles, she will learn. When my oldest son was a junior, he switched high schools by his own choice. As difficult as it was to watch his painful process, I learned this key parent lesson: "I don't care what you decide -- I just want you to do what you want." While it may sound obvious and easy to do, is isn't. The teen years are about your teen making choices, learning from mistakes, and being "nourished" through hard-won lessons along the way.

The Ins and Outs of Allowance: What Homefront Dollars Teach Children and Teens

What is a good age to start giving an allowance?
The purpose of allowance is to teach children and teens how to save, spend, and budget money. I think ten-years of age is an age appropriate time to begin learning these things and a good time to start an allowance.

How should a parent determine when to increase or decrease an allowance?
If the child or teen is running short -- spending too much and not saving -- then talk about and work on a budget together, and see if more money is needed. Adjust accordingly.

Should allowances be based on doing chores?
Importantly, household chores should NOT be connected to an allowance. Everyone in the family needs to help out in some way, so mom and dad are not doing most of the work. It works well if each child chooses and takes responsibility for several big chores that he or she likes to do and does well. Teens need to learn adult survival skills. So, give them plenty of responsibilities around the house, and help them learn responsibility – the ultimate survival skill. And don’t forget: Allowance should not be connected to household chores.

Should allowances be based on good behavior or grades? Similarly, should an allowance be tied to punishment?
Allowances should never be connected to good behavior or grades! Parents, select a different way to reward children and teens for good behavior and grades. It is fine to give them a monetary reward for the good grades, but don’t say it is their allowance. Remember: Allowances should be put in place to teach children and teens how to save, spend, and budget. Similarly, allowances should never be tied to punishment. Don’t withhold an allowance, if your teen has done something wrong. Select a different way to communicate your thoughts about your teen’s negative behavior.

If a child or teen gets a job, should an allowance stop?
I like the idea of continuing with allowance even though a job now figures into the picture. They key is working together (parent and teen) on a budget. With more money coming in the teen’s door (from a job), then more money can be saved and perhaps invested. Teens can learn to buy stocks or invest in other ways. A watchful eye on spending should be always executed. Parents want to encourage saving and investing. Jobs increase these possibilities.

Should you give cash to a child, or deposit money in a savings account for them?
Yes, if it is done in a way that nurtures the habit of saving money and setting an example of saving.

Should there be rules set for what an allowance can be spent on, or is it just "fun money?"
Yes. A general rule of thumb is to spend one-half to two-thirds or an allowance, and save the rest. Importantly, children and teens also need to learn how to make decisions and handle or learn from money mistakes. For example, if they overspend, and haven't saved enough to buy a sibling a birthday present, they've not managed their money well, and need to make some shifts. Giving them the opportunity to call the shots does teach children and teens alike valuable lessons about money management.