Our adult daughter has disowned us and moved in with her boyfriend’s family, leaving behind unopened gifts and treasured childhood photos and keepsakes. What about the holidays? Should we send her a gift?
I greatly empathize with your situation. It is one of the MOST difficult to navigate as a parent. Here is what I think you should do. Tell yourself that you are, and have been, an amazing parent. Acknowledge that your daughter is going down a road that you would not choose for her, but given the fact that she is an adult, this is her choice. As to sending her a gift, if you can send something that is heart-centered, meaning you are giving it because deep down you want her to have something from you without any hope or desire for something in return, then I would send a holiday gift. The season is about giving–and in sending her a gift, you are modeling what loved ones do at this special time of the year. Here is difficult part: you should be prepared for her returning the gift or not opening it, and if you can handle this, then go ahead. Since she has left behind unopened gifts and keepsakes, as you note, it is likely that she may not open it again. Genuine giving comes from the heart, and this is all you can do. If you choose not to send a gift, that is quite all right as well, because this is what your heart is telling you deep inside too. I would not send a gift if you are doing so to attempt to get her back, or show her parents that you are still important too. Your daughter will quickly discern your motivation — through her intuitive sense. So again, if you deep down strongly feel that you would like to send a gift because of the spirit of the holidays and your love for her, then do so.
On another note, you may want to consider the following:
1. Step back. Your adult child may not be ready to resolve the issue. Trust that time will work for you. Waiting awhile to resolve the problem maybe the very best tactic. Avoid stepping in until the time is right and positive action steps can be more effective. Retreat does not mean you are giving up; rather, you are looking for that opportune moment to positively engage and make peace.
2. Hang in there. Keep trying. It may take a lot more conversations and letters to turn around the situation. Don’t give up. Days or months or perhaps years (hopefully not) may resolve the rift. Maybe an unexpected event will work to your advantage. Your adult daughter may mature an become closely connected with time and age.
3. Put it on the back burner! If there is no resolution in sight, give yourself permission to focus on yourself. Healthy or unhealthy relationships aside, don’t concentrate so much on parenting. Enjoy life! Take time to smell the peonies (or make a snowman!) in your back yard or take a trip with your closest friend.
Dr. Susan Smith Kuczmarski has taught at 8 universities, now at Northwestern University and Loyola University in Chicago. She is an award-winning author of 6 books, 3 on families and 3 on leadership, including her newest, Becoming A Happy Family: Pathways to the Family Soul (2015), and her best-selling, The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go, which was released (2019) in Egypt in Arabic. Trained as a cultural anthropologist, she has researched extensively how children learn social skills and teens become leaders. A frequent radio and television guest, she has appeared on "The Today Show" and speaks regularly to parents and educators. Listed in Who's Who in the World for 12 years and an International Fellow of Columbia University, her 35 years of college teaching and research have made her an expert on issues devoted to the contemporary family.
